I feel...

N.U.M.B

the last thing I wanted to do is to disappoint my parents. I don't want them to hung their heads in shame because of me. I guess everyone will go through the phase where in some point in life.. I feel really down. mixed up feelings. They say I should prioritise my work and define it as "not selfish" but just "priotising one's work". I don't know if they knew about the word "selfless" and "sincerity".

I didn't know that being nice and selfless is somewhat out of the question when it comes to maintain a high grade, dean's list or being a top student. no wonder la even if we go out(graduate), people or future employer would like to look at one's soft skill. in U, students weren't taught any of this. they cover things up by just having a "finishing school" and what not.

where is all the honesty and goodness? is this the reason why the outside world are like,... I don't know. the dirty world. no I mean the dirty people who thinks of themselves selfishly. narcissistic is worst. only being nice when you want something your way and being a total b*tch about it if it doesn't go your way.


corruption, blue and white collar crime, discrimination, racist, sexist etc... now you wonder where it all started. YOURSELF.

every time I feel like blaming someone, itwill all ended up being my fault. because of the decision I made and the self dignity I have. how can I do well in my presentation and project by leaving "my friends" get left behind? I don't feel great about it. and I surely won't feel that great in a lifetime. but the question is, if you were in my position, would you do the same for me? would you really?  I can predict some of the answers from different people. I guess people nowadays just to tends to be selfish by the minute though they may not realise it. but I do.

in the end I ask myself, just because your friends let go of you, would you let go of them? can you really become selfish and taste the success on your own with leaving your friends behind? I need internal help because I'm really sad and disappointed not because of me but of someone else. I know I should turn to Allah for He knows best...

dear readers, I hope you don't get this kind of dilemma. it hurts every time. I'm sick and tired with all of this. sometimes I really wonder why I'm still sane after all the build up tensions, sadness and disappointment. there's really a lot going on in my head right now, I'm still having tears here and there. but since my hands hurt so much with my FYP, I don't think I can type much. I've typed more than you will ever read...



even if I don't show an emoticon for tears.. I can't stop the ones that are falling now.. thank you blog for giving me space. I can't talk about all of this properly. so expressing it this way.. is a much better idea.